Letters To Santa
Since I’ve apparently upset some people with the “language” on my Toys R Us protest rant (click here if you missed it), I thought I’d include my niece’s letter to Santa this year so everyone could understand why I don’t want to let her down.
“Dear Santa,
I love how much you give out presents. I want to thank you for being such a good man. What I would really, really like for Christmas is a Nintendo DS, and I hope I get it.
Love,
______________”
How could you say no to that? And don’t worry, she’s on the good list this year and her sucking up worked… she’ll be getting a Nintendo DS from Santa on Christmas morning. 
1 comment December 22, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: children, Christmas, funny, holiday, humor, letters to Santa, Life, personal
I’m Sorry… But That’s Not Okay
After my 9+ hour drive “home” on Sunday, I met up with one of my friends for a much needed drink (and dinner) at this cute, trendy sushi restaurant in town. One of my favorite things about this place, other than the delicious menu filled with creative rolls, is the atmosphere… and the fact that it’s not exactly kid-friendly. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the idea of kids and I love my niece and nephews dearly, but sometimes – especially when I’m spending an expensive night out – I just want to be around grown ups.
Anyway, my friend and I are about mid-way through our bottle of wine, catching up on gossip, and enjoying our sushi that has just arrived… only to look over to find a woman breastfeeding at a dinner table nearby. Breastfeeding! In public! Needless to say, I was shocked and appalled. But seriously, who does that?! I mean, I completely understand if you make the decision to breastfeed your child, but you need to plan in advance for social outings. Why could she not have pumped before or breastfed in the car or the bathroom? While she did have it covered up, the thought of her exposed, chapped nipple underneath the blanket really sicked me out and I almost gagged on my sushi.
Hungry child or not, is it really that difficult to consider the people around you before you pop out a boob? If we wanted a peep show, we’d be at a strip club.
Add comment December 22, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: Rant, thoughts, personal, Life, humor, funny, sushi, breastfeeding, social etiquette
Toys R Us… Incompetence At Its Finest
As I mentioned in a previous post (click here if you missed it), I finished all of my Christmas shopping early this year to help eliminate some of the stress of the holiday season. Simple enough, right? Wrong. While most of my trusty online retailers have done me justice, my experience with Toys R Us has been a complete disaster. I thought I could avoid the living hell of that place by shopping online, but somehow they still managed to fuck me over.
First of all, it took them a week and a half to ship my order that I placed before the “rush” on December 4th. Seriously. While I understand that they must be extremely busy with the holidays, I am beyond positive that the other online stores that I’ve purchased from – has anyone heard of Amazon or Bed, Bath, and Beyond before? – have been busy too. Either way, busy or not, everyone else has managed to deliver my order in a timely manner, or at the least, by the latest estimated arrival date.
After weeks of waiting for this Crayola Color Explosion Dome for my niece and a Toy Story Kerplunk for my nephew, the packages were finally supposed to come today. Around 1:30, I hear a knock on my door and go to check that my gifts have arrived, only to find ONE package, the Toy Story Kerplunk. I frantically call my post office to see what’s happened, only for the lazy bitch that answered the phone to tell me that she’s unable to track my package. Why? Because Toys R Us shipped the package via UPS to the local post office, and USPS was supposed to deliver it from there. And Toys R Us only gave me a UPS tracking number. I tell this to the woman at my post office, but she says there’s nothing I can do without the USPS tracking number. Then she tells me that if I don’t have it, she doesn’t know how to get it and she won’t be able to help.
I decide to call Toys R Us because, after looking at the package that did arrive, I realize that the label on the box has both UPS and USPS tracking numbers. I think, it’s only logical for Toys R Us, who printed the labels when they shipped the packages, to have both numbers on file somewhere. What does Toys R Us tell me? That they don’t have that information and they don’t know how to get it, and that I’ll just have to deal with it and figure it out if it doesn’t come. So much for being helpful. I ask to speak to a supervisor who tells me the same thing. That I’m just SOL. Great.
This isn’t good enough for me because my niece doesn’t exactly handle disappointment well, and I’m trying to avoid her wrath on my short trip if at all possible. Anyway, I call UPS to see if maybe they can provide me with any more information, which of course they can’t. After about an hour of this nonsense, I call USPS again and ask to speak with someone else. This wonderful man looks up my address (which the first woman told me wouldn’t help… bitch) and tells me that my mailman’s car was overloaded on his first trip, and now he’s headed back out with the rest of the parcels for the day. He tells me to please call him back if I don’t receive it by 4:00 PM, but… success! It came, and all is well in the world again.
But back to my point. I just don’t understand how a multi-billion dollar business (yes, billion with a “b”… I looked up their financial statements to verify), like Toys R Us, can suck so badly at the online ordering process? How can it take 10 full business days for an order to arrive when other companies could have had it to me in five? That means that if you wanted to receive your order by Christmas Eve, you better have ordered with them by the 9th! Not even to mention the fact that they charge for shipping. It’s ridiculous. Then, on top of that, to not even have an actual method to track your packages? Is that a joke?
I’m just glad that I’ve grown up and am not a Toys R Us kid because I would rather gauge my eyes out with a spoon than deal with that place again. Consider this an official protest. Fuck you Toys R Us.
1 comment December 17, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: Christmas, funny, gifts, holidays, humor, Life, online shopping, personal, presents, random, Rant, thoughts, Toys R Us, UPS, USPS
Oh Tanning Bed, Oh Tanning Bed!
Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned. It has been approximately four days since my last blog. I know that I have gone against your wishes and betrayed you by constantly promising to do better and blog more frequently, but again, I have failed you. For my Penance, I will drink a big glass of wine and tell you what’s been up with me in hopes that you will forgive me, yet again, by the end of this post.
OK… so now that that’s off my chest….
It’s been a long day – actually scratch that (yes I’m aware of this feature on WordPress, but it doesn’t fit my writing style, anyway…) – it’s been a long few weeks. This prospect has been absolutely draining me at work and this early Christmas shopping has absolutely drained my bank account. All that aside, I’ve been in a total funk. I was too anxious for the holidays too far in advance, and now my enthusiasm has plateaued. I’m so excited to go home and see my family and friends (that I haven’t seen since freakin’ July!) and open presents that I’m just ready for Christmas Eve to be here already. All I want to do is just stomp around and scream, “Are we there yet?!” until it’s 5:00 PM on the 23rd (ah… the pitiful Christmas break of the real world…). I’ve heard through the grapevine that this isn’t socially acceptable for “grown ups”, so instead I’m SOL sitting at my house throwing a pity party for myself. If it could just be the weekend already, because that’s when I’m actually headed to Tennessee, it still couldn’t come fast enough.
To make matters worse, my boyfriend has decided to make all of my presents surprises this year. I’ve been picking out my own Christmas presents for almost as long as I can remember because I REALLY HATE surprises… so this is like genuine torture for me. I begged and begged for a hint, and the only tidbit I ended up with was a “clue” for one of my stocking stuffers. And it’s not even a real clue. When my boyfriend was having shopper’s block looking for my present last week, I told him that he should get me some new perfume for my stocking since I was low on two of my staple fragrances – Armani Diamonds and SJP Lovely.
Instead of copping out on one of my go-tos, I told him to pick out a scent that he liked…. but the perfume part I still already knew. Anyway, after pleading endlessly with him, he finally agreed to disclose a “hint” for one of my presents. You know what he tells me? That the third letter of either the designer or the fragrance is the letter “R”. I knew he had been at Macy’s, so being the professional snoop that I am, I decided to look online to try and narrow it down. DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW MANY FRAGRANCE DESIGNERS AT MACY’S HAVE THE THIRD LETTER “R”?!?!? I’m sure you don’t, so I’ll tell you.
- Burberry
- Carol’s Daughter
- Carolina Herrera
- Christian Audigier
- Christian Dior
- Harajuku Lovers
- Marc Ecko
- Marc Jacobs
- Mariah Carey
- Narciso Rodriguez
- Paris Hilton
- Perry Ellis
- Sarah Jessica Parker
- Vera Wang
- Versace
FIFTEEN!! That doesn’t even count the fragrance names! How is that a clue?! Feels more like a riddle to me. Anyway, needless to say I’ve made no progress on my present discovery, and it’s stressing me out. He always does a wonderful job on my presents, so that has nothing to do with it (last year he bought me a Kate Spade Noel luggage set if that gives you any idea… can we say “best present ever”?!), it’s just the whole “surprise” aspect. I hate having to react to something unexpected on the spot… it’s too much pressure.
With all this stress and anxiety, I had to come up with something to mellow me out. Then I remembered – dun dun dun dun! – the tanning bed. Unfortunately for me, my genius idea of the portable tanning bed has not yet been brought to life, so for now, this means I still have to leave my house. Even though it took some effort on my part, i.e., making myself semi-presentable to the general public, I desperately needed that 12 minutes of bliss, and now I’m feeling much better (or maybe that’s the wine?). If only it didn’t cause a tiny raised mole of mildly dysplastic cells on my stomach that I had to get removed, I could go all day every day and truly be in heaven. I guess I’ll have to keep working on my good deeds until then. Sigh…
Oh well, wine is up! Time is up! I better be forgiven, or you should get coal in your stocking!
1 comment December 16, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: Christmas, funny, gifts, holidays, humor, laugh, mole, perfume, presents, skin cancer, surprises, tanning bed, thoughts, wine
And Done!!
In an effort to get my shit together during the holidays, I made a commitment to myself that I would get all my shopping done in a timely manner and not have to wait around for the last minute scramble. This was not an easy task seeing as I had 20 people to buy for this year – and that’s just for family alone – but for once, I actually followed through. As of Friday morning, all of my Christmas shopping has been completed, and all but three presents – that should be coming in the mail early next week – have been wrapped. Success!
In other news, my ongoing mouse hunt hasn’t been as easy. After eliminating seven… yes seven… of them since last Friday, we have been rodent-free for a few days now. Once my landlord informed me that there wasn’t much else that could be done (FYI – for those of you who are like me and don’t know, apparently exterminators will only put out poison in an effort to evacuate the mice, but you still have to disposet of them yourself… how whack is that?!), I’ve had to really take matters into my own hands. Of course I’m still keeping the traps out, but now, after finding Templeton #7, I went into a crazy frenzy until I found ways that these little fuckers could possibly be getting in. After tearing my house apart trying to do the whole see the mouse, think like a mouse, be the mouse thing, I ended up finding about a two inch circular hole behind the dishwasher and then a few similar holes in the garage by the hot water heater. I’ve temporarily proceeded to plug the holes with ant-killer soaked rags, and that seems to have done the trick… for now. Hopefully he’ll be sending someone this week to professionally and/or permanently close these holes, and that will be the end of that. I know you’re dying to know, so I’ll keep you posted.
I’m just ready to stop having holiday visions of mice dancing through my head… what ever happened to those much needed sugarplums?
2 comments December 12, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: Christmas, exterminator, funny, holidays, house, humor, Life, mouse, pest control, presents, rants, rodent, shopping
I Hope I Wiped Out His Whole Family
Not that any of you should have any problem deciphering who I could possibly be talking about, but for those of you who are new (… or those of you who are completely moronic and can’t put the pieces together…) – I’m talking about Templeton, our hybrid mouse intruder. After many attempts at trying to catch him, I came to the conclusion that Templeton wasn’t just an ordinary rodent… but that he had special critter powers that gave him the ability to dodge traps and stay on the loose in my house and garage. He was even propping up glue boards to make the peanut butter accessible without getting stuck… hence, hybrid mouse.
Anyway, as mentioned in my post on Saturday morning, I caught Templeton late Friday night. Unfortunately, he chose the hard way… death by glue board and blunt object (sorry to be so graphic) instead of going for the trap that would’ve killed him instantly… but either way, I was relieved for him to be gone. I decided to leave the traps out just for good measure, and within the next 48 hours, three other members of Templeton’s family ended up meeting their demise at the hand of me, Mouse Hunter Extraordinaire, in hopes of finding their Super Mouse.
Since the rodent death spree, I’ve cleaned up all remnants of their existence and the trash man came today, so I’m hoping this will be the end of it. If anything else surfaces, I’m going to have to call the exterminator. But seriously… is this my life right now?! How disgusting!
2 comments December 7, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: exterminator, funny, house, humor, Life, mouse, pest control, rants, rodent
You Can Call Me Mouse Hunter Extraordinaire
Let’s just say, we won’t be seeing Templeton anymore…
3 comments December 5, 2009
ccbebe
I Thought I Was Supposed To Hibernate In Winter?
Unlike Templeton, the infamous mouse in my house, I haven’t been able to find a warm place to hide out until the cold weather passes. Instead, now I’m on an all out rodent-hunt and refuse to stop until I have a dead mouse in the garbage. After finding mouse droppings on my kitchen counter – how the fuck did he get on the counter anyway?! – I’ve cranked it up into Stage 5 (yes, this is a 5 point scale, with 5 being the highest) kill mode.
Wait, let me back up. So Saturday morning I decide to set up my Christmas tree. I was all excited and ready to get festive for the holidays… but when I moved the tree box in my garage to bring it inside, what did I see?! None other than Templeton scurrying away. Ugh. Of course I ran into my house, screaming like a little girl, to tell my boyfriend what happened. Needless to say, he wasn’t impressed. But then, on Sunday, he was backing his car out and saw the mouse’s head poke out and look around outside, only to decide that he was better off where he was and stay in the garage.
While I completely realize it’s always bad to have a rodent in your home, the shit on the counter today was the last straw. I immediately headed out to Lowe’s and picked up two boxes of glue boards along with two more little spin traps. I’ve baited them all with peanut butter, and now I’m anxiously awaiting little Templeton’s demise in one of these devices. In fact, I’ve been so eager that I haven’t been able to sit still all night. I went on a crazy cleaning spree… I even went so far as to rearrange the pantry and use Goo Gone to annihilate every remnant of a sticker in my house. But sadly, no mouse remains in any of the traps.
Now that I must be officially high on the fumes, I’ve decided to call it quits for the evening. Let’s just say, there better be a damn mouse in one of these contraptions by the time I wake up, or I’m going to have to dig up our yard looking for Templeton’s friends and family. I hope it doesn’t come to that point, but the little bastard better own up and sacrifice himself tonight before things get ugly.
3 comments December 1, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: exterminator, funny, house, humor, Life, mouse, pest control, rants, rodent
Alas, We Meet Again
I just realized that it’s almost been 10 days since my last post, and I understand that this is completely unacceptable. So again, my beloved readers, I’m asking you to please forgive me for my lack of updates over the past week and a half. I promise this won’t happen again… at least until Christmas. Am I forgiven yet? Please?
For once I actually have an excuse for being so preoccupied. As mentioned in my post, “I Can’t Help It, I’m Obsessed“, my mom and her boyfriend came in town on Tuesday for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner (and she got me the book – thanks Mommy! – which I haven’t even had a chance to read yet because I’ve had too much going on). Since I’ve always done Thanksgiving with my immediate and extended family, I’ve never been responsible for cooking a big holiday dinner by myself before. But this year, I tackled the task head on, and it was a success! In addition to my mom and her boyfriend, my boyfriend and I invited another couple (the wife was my Queen of Hearts counterpart on Halloween)… so I had a total of six hungry adults to feed. On the menu was:
- Fried turkey – which I picked up from the store because, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t eat meat and don’t know how to cook it
- Vegetable Tian
- Dill Mashed Potatoes
- Blackened Green Beans
- Cheesy Broccoli Casserole – minus the mushrooms
- Cheese and vegetable tray – with pepper jack and cheddar cheeses, an assortment of crackers, celery, baby carrots, broccoli, ranch and tomato basil dips, and a Hawaiian bread loaf
- Sister Schubert’s rolls
- Then, the other couple brought these amazing homemade peanut butter cookies and a red velvet cake
Delicious, right? It was… but time consuming. Hence my lack of blogging for a day or two. Then, for the actual Thanksgiving holiday, my boyfriend and I went to visit his family for a couple days. It was my first holiday with them, so I was a little stressed, but it ended up going off without a hitch. We brought the dogs, which are always a good icebreaker anywhere, and everyone loved them. Anyway, it all went really well and it turns out all the stress was for nothing. But now I’m back, so don’t worry, you’ll be hearing much more from me this week.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, and I’ll “see” you soon!
Add comment November 29, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: family, Food Network, Life, personal, random, Thanksgiving, thoughts
My New Blog
Don’t worry readers, I have no plans to discontinue “Love in the Land of Bitches”, but I’ve decided to expand my writing legacy to the world by starting a new blog today. This blog has a completely different tone and may not even appeal to you as much, but I do what I want and am doing it anyway.
I’m sure the suspense is killing you, so here it is! “1000 Things I’m Thankful For“, as you can probably gather from the title, is going to be my daily (bi-daily, tri-daily, or however many times I feel like it) account of all the things that I feel lucky to have in my life. I know it may seem a little cheesy, but whatever… I might as well try and do something positive with some of my time, right?
Add comment November 20, 2009
ccbebe
Tags: blog, new, new blog
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